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Pity party?
Nov. 4th, 2002 10:33 pmI found myself lacking in motivation today, the first day of officially being laid off.
I have this continual feeling of being in limbo with my life. I'm taking steps, and I am without a doubt moving forward in most things... but it seems like everything, every aspect of my person, is in transition. It is a very peculiar way to feel. I'm standing at the crossroads again, waiting to bury my old self beneath it and move on; but even though it seems like forces conspire to clear the path for me, there are still many things blocking my way.
I've been moving things into the new apartment, but it is slow going, and the landlord is taking his time clearing items out of the building. Specifically, he has to get all of the furniture out of the front bedroom, and I need to seriously clean the living room, dining room, and that front bedroom in order to live in that apartment. We're talking "cleansing with purifying flame" here. Or at least scrubbing all the walls, ceilings, and floors with bleach. I really want to be moved in before Thanksgiving, but I'm having doubts now on whether that will be possible.
Career-wise, things seem to be happening a little faster, but they are much more precarious. My consulting business is getting more customers, but we are still shy of being one hundred percent self-supporting (paying all the bills and every bit of our salaries). Running your own business means you're much less certain about your paychecks, and that uncertainty gives me pause sometimes. I think I've been getting a little rusty in my skillsets as well, so I'm feeling motivation to learn about new tools and technologies, but finding the time and funding to pursue that education is going to be tricky over the next year.
And what can I say about the other portions of my life? Food and shelter have been foremost, but they seem to be mostly taken care of, at least until the end of this year...
One of my closest friends announced his engagement to his girlfriend of two-ish years. I keep reminding myself that life is not a race, and I'm not competing with anyone, but it is hard to sweep the ever present biological and evolutionary instincts out of my head. And it's very hard to not want to have some kind of steady relationship after having been without one for the last two and a half years. I also want very badly to really accomplish something significant; I think that's why I've been working so hard with Big Blue on the business plan we've been formulating for the pc arcade, because we both know that idea could be a very big thing.
But the good news is that lionlady made me feel much better about life tonight when I stopped by for a visit. I'm honored to know such a kind person... she goes out of her way to help me with even the tiniest things, and I appreciate it greatly. And her cats make me very happy.
In other good news, I've gotten down to 284 pounds. That's 36 pounds lost since the end of June. That's a good thing... I'll be close to my starting college weight by the end of this year if I continue this trend. I'm starting to think that maybe I should even get as far down as 225, another sixty pounds less. I think that'll depend on how I look and feel when I hit 250, so I guess we'll see when I get there.
I have this continual feeling of being in limbo with my life. I'm taking steps, and I am without a doubt moving forward in most things... but it seems like everything, every aspect of my person, is in transition. It is a very peculiar way to feel. I'm standing at the crossroads again, waiting to bury my old self beneath it and move on; but even though it seems like forces conspire to clear the path for me, there are still many things blocking my way.
I've been moving things into the new apartment, but it is slow going, and the landlord is taking his time clearing items out of the building. Specifically, he has to get all of the furniture out of the front bedroom, and I need to seriously clean the living room, dining room, and that front bedroom in order to live in that apartment. We're talking "cleansing with purifying flame" here. Or at least scrubbing all the walls, ceilings, and floors with bleach. I really want to be moved in before Thanksgiving, but I'm having doubts now on whether that will be possible.
Career-wise, things seem to be happening a little faster, but they are much more precarious. My consulting business is getting more customers, but we are still shy of being one hundred percent self-supporting (paying all the bills and every bit of our salaries). Running your own business means you're much less certain about your paychecks, and that uncertainty gives me pause sometimes. I think I've been getting a little rusty in my skillsets as well, so I'm feeling motivation to learn about new tools and technologies, but finding the time and funding to pursue that education is going to be tricky over the next year.
And what can I say about the other portions of my life? Food and shelter have been foremost, but they seem to be mostly taken care of, at least until the end of this year...
One of my closest friends announced his engagement to his girlfriend of two-ish years. I keep reminding myself that life is not a race, and I'm not competing with anyone, but it is hard to sweep the ever present biological and evolutionary instincts out of my head. And it's very hard to not want to have some kind of steady relationship after having been without one for the last two and a half years. I also want very badly to really accomplish something significant; I think that's why I've been working so hard with Big Blue on the business plan we've been formulating for the pc arcade, because we both know that idea could be a very big thing.
But the good news is that lionlady made me feel much better about life tonight when I stopped by for a visit. I'm honored to know such a kind person... she goes out of her way to help me with even the tiniest things, and I appreciate it greatly. And her cats make me very happy.
In other good news, I've gotten down to 284 pounds. That's 36 pounds lost since the end of June. That's a good thing... I'll be close to my starting college weight by the end of this year if I continue this trend. I'm starting to think that maybe I should even get as far down as 225, another sixty pounds less. I think that'll depend on how I look and feel when I hit 250, so I guess we'll see when I get there.