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Here's the Onion article I would be writing
'You Old People Better Get Down With It, Or We're Going To Soylent Green Your Asses,' Writes Blogger
In a bold move at 10:12a.m. today, notable Generation X blogger Hammy McSmythe posted an entry in his Blogspot electronic diary indicating that people over the age of 50 need to "ingest a clue" or "face the consequences." This of course in response to the shutdown of the city of New Haven and the mobilization of National Guard forces in response to the discovery of a rubber ducky in the shape of Mr. T left on the curb of Wooster Street.
"We're sick and tired of these whiny Baby Boomer bitches jumping any time they see something 'suspicious'. Every time a new episode of 24 airs on FOX, it feeds their need to be scared. ZOMGWTF!! What's wrong with these paranoid pussies?"
U.S. Representative Dick Hunt (D-MA) was quoted earlier this morning at a press conference: "The person or persons responsible for this heinous terrorist hoax will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I will also be pursuing new legislation that will impose a mandatory 11 year jail sentence for anyone responsible for making me dirty my underwear."
Mary Wootenstein of West Haven was scared shitless. "WHAT THE HELL?? Who wouldn't be afraid of a thing like that? I mean, just look at it, it's obviously some kind of bomb!" A nearby man who overheard Mary's comment shouted: "BOMB?? OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!"
This photo of the suspicious object was taken yesterday afternoon
McSmythe posted the very same photo in his own journal two weeks ago, when he first discovered the rubber duck and remarked days later that nobody had touched the thing, and found the whole situation humorous. His amusement quickly turned to revulsion when he discovered that the six hours he had spent in traffic evacuating the city were due to hysteria caused by the object.
McSmythe continued: "I swear, I cannot wait for these Baby Boomers to start dying off. How can they not understand the cultural zeitgeist that has produced the Mr. T Rubber Ducky? Are they really that insular and out of touch? Well, my Social Security taxes are paying for their sorry elderly asses! When they're all infirm and bedridden in the next 20 years, they're going to be looking for me to nurse them into their graves - well, they can forget it!!"
In a bold move at 10:12a.m. today, notable Generation X blogger Hammy McSmythe posted an entry in his Blogspot electronic diary indicating that people over the age of 50 need to "ingest a clue" or "face the consequences." This of course in response to the shutdown of the city of New Haven and the mobilization of National Guard forces in response to the discovery of a rubber ducky in the shape of Mr. T left on the curb of Wooster Street.
"We're sick and tired of these whiny Baby Boomer bitches jumping any time they see something 'suspicious'. Every time a new episode of 24 airs on FOX, it feeds their need to be scared. ZOMGWTF!! What's wrong with these paranoid pussies?"
U.S. Representative Dick Hunt (D-MA) was quoted earlier this morning at a press conference: "The person or persons responsible for this heinous terrorist hoax will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I will also be pursuing new legislation that will impose a mandatory 11 year jail sentence for anyone responsible for making me dirty my underwear."
Mary Wootenstein of West Haven was scared shitless. "WHAT THE HELL?? Who wouldn't be afraid of a thing like that? I mean, just look at it, it's obviously some kind of bomb!" A nearby man who overheard Mary's comment shouted: "BOMB?? OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!"
This photo of the suspicious object was taken yesterday afternoon
McSmythe posted the very same photo in his own journal two weeks ago, when he first discovered the rubber duck and remarked days later that nobody had touched the thing, and found the whole situation humorous. His amusement quickly turned to revulsion when he discovered that the six hours he had spent in traffic evacuating the city were due to hysteria caused by the object.
McSmythe continued: "I swear, I cannot wait for these Baby Boomers to start dying off. How can they not understand the cultural zeitgeist that has produced the Mr. T Rubber Ducky? Are they really that insular and out of touch? Well, my Social Security taxes are paying for their sorry elderly asses! When they're all infirm and bedridden in the next 20 years, they're going to be looking for me to nurse them into their graves - well, they can forget it!!"
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Sorry to be a humorless individual, but yesterday kind of clouded my hipster punk'd attitude, y'know?
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It's okay... I know that the constant attacks on U.S. soil that we've had in the six years since 9/11 make everyone's petrifying fear perfectly justifiable. Especially since they've all been happening in Boston.
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ATHF is a small cartoon watched by a very small part of the population, most of whom would just as soon flip the bird at a police officer rather than help them out, if they could (or, only when they get enough sack after a few PBRs).
On a personal level: I'm asking you to be a little sensitive too, for me, please.
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Velvet, I'm sorry, but there's no excuse for the civil reaction to what were obviously a bunch of flat light displays. There's probably one solitary knucklehead in the chain of command who made a really bad and expensive call.
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The police and bomb squads did what they're supposed to do, check out suspicious packages by sectioning off the area for the public's safety, and neutralize the suspicious package by blasting it the eff up with a water cannon. I would find it unwise that even if the first 37 of 38 lite brites were OK that they would just go "eh, I'm sure it's safe" to the last one.
I do find it incredibly crass on the part of Turner/Time Warner that while it was deciding on its apology from the Cartoon Network, it's affiliate CNN was feeding into the twister of panic to the general public. It's funny to notice that none of the local news outlets are mentioning the name of the character, TV show, or network; since it's controlled by a competing media conglomeration.
But the press conference with the two guys after their arraignment this morning was just priceless. Good on 'em.
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Bombs are serious business, but these are supposed to be experts, and police need to look not only at the worst case scenario, but also look at the most reasonable one before spending $750,000 dollars and paralyzing the city. People are expected to be paranoid idiots, the police are supposed to be the ones who interject some reason and control into the process.
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Garbage cans have been known to house bombs before, should we investigate each garbage can as if it may blow up?
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