Writer's Block: There Can Be Only One

[mik3cap]

[Error: unknown template qotd]I have a hard time "believing" in something that rarely works and often leads to misery and heartache. Do I believe in commitment? Yes. Do I believe in special relationships between two people? Absolutely. But it seems to me to be completely naive to not recognize that "cheating" is rampant and causes so much difficulty, and it's quite obvious that the whole concept of cheating goes away when people realize that love is not a scarce commodity, that it's better to share, and that, even when time and energy are limited, that being with more than one person at once can enhance the quality of life for all people involved. Monogamy comes from insecurity and jealousy, and both of those feelings are very negative and self-destructive. If you have a true commitment with a person, even if that person is being shared with other people, you shouldn't feel insecure or jealous. When that person demonstrates his or her commitment to you over and over (the same way it would happen with monogamy) what more evidence do you require - and why would it matter that he or she spends time with another person as long as you get what you need from him or her?

Comments

[methanopyrus.livejournal.com]

It is also difficult for me to believe anyone stays monogamous for reasons other than fear and insecurity. However, humans are also *lazy* and busy earning money, and doing things to achieve status. A "monogamous" relationship is one part of a public life that makes someone an upstanding citizen. Some people are scared into doing the right thing, others are simply putting on a front, and others truly believe and want to do the idealized picture because it feels rewarding.

Also, even though cheating is rampant, how frequent is it? Once per year, once per month? Under what circumstances? (Only when the relationship has instability, or to prove there can be another lover /romance for long periods of time?)

I wonder if more people cheat at lonely/unstable times in their relationships, then polyamory - other lovers at stable times would seem destabilizing even if it is not the intent.

[mikecap.livejournal.com]

Stability is definitely always an issue no matter what the dynamics. And I think all the other things you mention about status and money tie into stability as well. It just seems like stability must always be more of an issue in monogamy though, because there is only one egg in the basket! More people means more potential support for tough times. Logistics and timing can be more complicated, and could cause instability, but I bet there are monogamous couples who have timing issues just because their lives are generally busy.

I have to wonder though whether those "reasons" you cite for cheating aren't also just rationalizations on the part of monogamous folk - are those cause, or effect? And at any rate, if people seek the company of others at unstable times, isn't that itself an argument for multiple relationships?

[methanopyrus.livejournal.com]

"if people seek the company of others at unstable times, isn't that itself an argument for multiple relationships?"
Not necessarily, it could be to prove they are worthy, prove they have money, prove they can seduce someone, prove they can occupy their time with others without depending on their absent significant other. All or any of these reasons factor into relationships and extra-relationship relationships, but are they grounds for saying someone has a relationship or is just sleeping with someone to prove something?

Where can we draw the line? If we are interested in body contact, then any single contact might be considered "relationship." If we are interested in saying relationships are only those recognized by our family who recognizes marriage for life, than the affairs might amount to nothing and it is up to the individual whether they chose to use their time in this manner. If we believe a relationship may come out of a random or closeted affair, then we might be insecure, afraid our partners may leave us because they had a short fling isolated from the social sphere, and they might think so too!

The timing issue... yeah, some couples have this problem if the two complainers I sat next to in a coffee shop last week had anything to say, complain about. Their partners and their job schedules were out of sync, but gosh they were determined. That's the other thing, even though I said earlier that laziness is a reason for monogamy, another is the drive to prove things and succeed in relationships even through hardship. I would classify this as an element of romance. So staying monogamous for some people is triumphant, winning the game.