Writer's Block: There Can Be Only One

[mik3cap]

[Error: unknown template qotd]I have a hard time "believing" in something that rarely works and often leads to misery and heartache. Do I believe in commitment? Yes. Do I believe in special relationships between two people? Absolutely. But it seems to me to be completely naive to not recognize that "cheating" is rampant and causes so much difficulty, and it's quite obvious that the whole concept of cheating goes away when people realize that love is not a scarce commodity, that it's better to share, and that, even when time and energy are limited, that being with more than one person at once can enhance the quality of life for all people involved. Monogamy comes from insecurity and jealousy, and both of those feelings are very negative and self-destructive. If you have a true commitment with a person, even if that person is being shared with other people, you shouldn't feel insecure or jealous. When that person demonstrates his or her commitment to you over and over (the same way it would happen with monogamy) what more evidence do you require - and why would it matter that he or she spends time with another person as long as you get what you need from him or her?

Comments

[agthorr.livejournal.com]

The question reminds me of an old joke:

Q: "Do you believe in the Bible?"
A: "Hell, I've seen one!"

Here's why I practice monogamy. Human relationships are very complex and it's challenging for two people to make a relationship work. Building and strengthening the relationship requires a great deal of investment. I agree that love is not a scarce commodity, but as I invest more time and energy into a particular relationship, the value of that particular relationship increases.

When more people enter the mix, it becomes even more complicated, requires more work, and the probability of one or more of the relationships failing increases.

If I already have a relationship that I value highly, then the additional risk of additional partners is not worth the additional benefits of additional partners.

Not to me, anyway. I support other people's right to make their own choices based on their own priorities and experiences.

it's quite obvious that the whole concept of cheating goes away when people realize that love is not a scarce commodity,

Sadly, it's not that easy. Non-monogamous partners can still "cheat" by breaking their commitments and being dishonest in other ways. I have, regretfully, witnessed many examples.

[mikecap.livejournal.com]

By this logic, no one should ever undertake any hard task because there's such an easy, "well trod" path available!

It's almost insultingly obvious to say that more relationships = more work. But okay, I will grant this easily. However, more work should also achieve more reward! More love! That is in fact the whole point. I also don't necessarily agree with your assertion that the probability of relationship failure increases - you can't know that, no one can, because the majority of relationships are monogamous and I can't think of any actual research that's been done on the subject of poly versus mono fail rates. So we're limited to anecdote and personal experience, and what we know about the failure rates of monogamous relationships. I realize this turns it into a he said/she said argument and that we're practically in a religious debate here, but that's where we are. My common sense though tells me that if people are really willing to try taking this path, the rewards naturally should be greater because the risks are greater and multiplicity of love and relationships could be a pretty amazing thing to try and pursue.

I realize that I'm taking a pretty aggressive position with this whole thing. Frankly, I feel very similarly about religion and don't believe that religion helps humanity enough to balance out how much it hurts it. Monogamy seems to me to be the same thing, and people seem to always use the same arguments in both cases (people make their own choices about believing in religion, et cetera). But frankly, I don't want people who treat me medically or govern me to believe that I'm going to hell if I don't follow their rules, or that they can speak in tongues and talk to their god and push the button on the nuclear arsenal and send everyone to heaven... so I feel pretty anti-religion. At the same time, when I see so much pain and suffering over the various failures of monogamy, I have to ask myself why people don't question the model more and try to think of other options or pursue other paths.

[rovanda.livejournal.com]

Actually, I believe Agthorr was sharing his reasons for making his choice, not trying to persuade *you* to make the same choice as him... Are you trying to persuade us to change our minds about monogamy and make the same choice as you? If so, why?

[agthorr.livejournal.com]

I believe Agthorr was sharing his reasons for making his choice, not trying to persuade *you* to make the same choice as him

Yes, exactly. Thank you.

[mikecap.livejournal.com]

I am making a persuasive argument that polyamory is a model more people should explore. I think it's important for there to be more love in the world, more people need to be loved.

[agthorr.livejournal.com]

By this logic, no one should ever undertake any hard task because there's such an easy, "well trod" path available!


All I'm saying is that the risks of non-monogamy are not worth the rewards of non-monogamy to me personally. If it's worth it to you, by all means, go for it! :-)

At the same time, when I see so much pain and suffering over the various failures of monogamy, I have to ask myself why people don't question the model more and try to think of other options or pursue other paths.

FWIW, due to the social taboos surrounding non-monogamy, most of the non-monogamous people I have know typically don't advertise the fact.

[mikecap.livejournal.com]

But you can't accurately judge the risks. How do you know that the risks and rewards of monamory aren't generally worse/less than the risks and rewards of polyamory? There's no data supporting that theory.

If anything, I think the only model that can be used is one where we say that every relationship, when considered individually, has the same "chance" of failure due to the usual circumstances. I will grant that there is a possibility of complexity arising from interactions between the people in the multiple relationships, but if we just treat the relationships as separate objects that don't directly affect each other (or all people don't interact with each other - which is a perfectly reasonable scenario) then it seems to me that in fact the chances of a person being in a good relationship at any given time are increased! In other words, you could roll one d6 and try to get a 6... or you could roll 3d6 and try to get a 6. There's a better chance of getting a 6 with more dice, that just seems obvious to me.

[agthorr.livejournal.com]

But you can't accurately judge the risks. How do you know that the risks and rewards of monamory aren't generally worse/less than the risks and rewards of polyamory?

Rarely in life can we accurately and precisely measure the risks and rewards. ;-)

I estimate the risks and rewards as best I can... incorporating the risk that I may be wrong about the precise value of the risks and rewards. *grin*

but if we just treat the relationships as separate objects that don't directly affect each other (or all people don't interact with each other - which is a perfectly reasonable scenario) then it seems to me that in fact the chances of a person being in a good relationship at any given time are increased!

Ah, but there is also a much greater chance that at least one of the relationships will be going up in flames.

[mikecap.livejournal.com]

Every relationship has a one hundred percent chance of failure!

[agthorr.livejournal.com]

I meant that increasing the number of relationships increases the probability that one of the relationships is going up in flames *right now*. If you roll more 6-sided dice at once, you're more likely to roll a 6, but you're also more likely to roll a 1.

[mikecap.livejournal.com]

That's true, but again, if the risks are overall the same per relationship, even if one goes down in flames, you've got the support of two other ones to help you through that.