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I believe in karma
Sep. 4th, 2002 01:20 amOne of my more ridiculous contradictions is my belief in karmic balance. I am solidly atheist, and am a very skeptical person when it comes to things beyond human understanding. And though I can't say that I believe in any kind of supernatural force per se, I find myself always thinking "what goes around comes around". And in the course of my life I've witnessed many ironies that have proven this out. I've often considered irony to be one of the most powerful forces of nature... and that too is a strange thing to think, because irony is surely just a completely feeble and egocentric human invention. Who can believe that the universe tends towards maximum irony, when the place of human existence in it seems so superfluous?
And yet, this is what I think, and I try to live my life in such a way as to better my karma. I do good things for people with the hope that good things will be carried forward to others, and perhaps, one day, back to me. Not too long ago, I helped a man I met at a networking event get in touch with another man - the first man got a job out of it. He wrote me a letter thanking me, and included a $50 AmEx gift certificate as a token of thanks... totally out of the blue. "No good deed goes unpunished," he wrote. I'd like to think that's the truth.
Tonight's incident was helping a pair of teenagers get lug nuts off a tire that had been tightened on by a pneumatic gun. All it took was a little bit of Mikey power to crack those bad boys. Later I made a joke to Tom describing the path of the good karma: "See, that guy is going to take that girl someplace tonight and get her knocked up, and then their kid is going to grow up and cure cancer. That would never happen if it weren't for me getting those lug nuts off; he would have had to take her home with the tow truck or call her parents or something."
Heh.
Is it silly and childish to want to be a superhero? I think I'd be well suited for the job. I really want to help people. I believe in always trying to do the right thing. I have a highly developed sense of justice.
Coupled with this exultant feeling of heroism tonight is a strong sense of melancholy. Things keep changing... sometimes better, sometimes worse. It didn't seem like things changed so much and so fast ten years ago; or maybe I just didn't notice it as much as I do now. It's depressing to think that I might be getting more stodgy, more resistant to change. And along with this is the usual "don't want to be alone" feeling. Many of my friends are in some kind of significant relationship now. There are simply no prospects for me on the horizon.
I don't think I'm going to die alone. It's very unlikely that I'll snuff it before falling in love and maybe starting a family at some point later in my life. But it truly bothers me to think that I could go at any time and I wouldn't be able to think of someone special in my last moments. That's got to be the absolute worst thing I can think of. I know I still have friends and family and I'm surrounded by people who care about me almost all the time... but it's not the same thing. A lover's heart beats differently.
Is it such a selfish thing to want this? Have I just been unlucky, been under the wrong stars, been saddled with the wrong circumstances and conditions to produce love?
Can I balance my karma enough to win this kind of love...?
And yet, this is what I think, and I try to live my life in such a way as to better my karma. I do good things for people with the hope that good things will be carried forward to others, and perhaps, one day, back to me. Not too long ago, I helped a man I met at a networking event get in touch with another man - the first man got a job out of it. He wrote me a letter thanking me, and included a $50 AmEx gift certificate as a token of thanks... totally out of the blue. "No good deed goes unpunished," he wrote. I'd like to think that's the truth.
Tonight's incident was helping a pair of teenagers get lug nuts off a tire that had been tightened on by a pneumatic gun. All it took was a little bit of Mikey power to crack those bad boys. Later I made a joke to Tom describing the path of the good karma: "See, that guy is going to take that girl someplace tonight and get her knocked up, and then their kid is going to grow up and cure cancer. That would never happen if it weren't for me getting those lug nuts off; he would have had to take her home with the tow truck or call her parents or something."
Heh.
Is it silly and childish to want to be a superhero? I think I'd be well suited for the job. I really want to help people. I believe in always trying to do the right thing. I have a highly developed sense of justice.
Coupled with this exultant feeling of heroism tonight is a strong sense of melancholy. Things keep changing... sometimes better, sometimes worse. It didn't seem like things changed so much and so fast ten years ago; or maybe I just didn't notice it as much as I do now. It's depressing to think that I might be getting more stodgy, more resistant to change. And along with this is the usual "don't want to be alone" feeling. Many of my friends are in some kind of significant relationship now. There are simply no prospects for me on the horizon.
I don't think I'm going to die alone. It's very unlikely that I'll snuff it before falling in love and maybe starting a family at some point later in my life. But it truly bothers me to think that I could go at any time and I wouldn't be able to think of someone special in my last moments. That's got to be the absolute worst thing I can think of. I know I still have friends and family and I'm surrounded by people who care about me almost all the time... but it's not the same thing. A lover's heart beats differently.
Is it such a selfish thing to want this? Have I just been unlucky, been under the wrong stars, been saddled with the wrong circumstances and conditions to produce love?
Can I balance my karma enough to win this kind of love...?
